There is this American Bull Dog who lives next door to us.  He’s huge.  He’s white.  He’s gigantic.  He throws himself, headfirst, into our chain link fence when we have to go out to our car.  And did I mention he’s the size of a bull?

Generally we try to ignore him, but it doesn’t stop him from charging the fence.  He’s pretty big, and though he’s tried to launch himself over the top, he’s yet to make it over.  Probably because he’s so flippen’ large.

So, after four months of him charging the fence at us every time we have to walk out to the car, or we come home, I decide to try something different from yelling my usual “don’t look at him” to the kids.

I threw a cookie at him.

He stopped barking and looked at it.  Then he ate it, and started barking at me again.  I threw another cookie.  He ate it, and eventually ended up eating the whole bag.

The next morning I go out to my car.  He starts barking and throws himself at the fence.

This is me rolling my eyes.

I go inside, get a piece of bread, and come back outside.  He’s barking wildly.

“Shhhhh.” I put my finger to my lips.  For some strange reason, this doesn’t work with him as well as it works with my kids.

“Shut Up!” I yell.  He stops for a moment, apparently startled, and I throw the bread at him.

Due to the aerodynamic nature of sliced bread, it sailed over his head, frightening him and he ran off.

The next day my husband is in the garage working, and Gigantor is barking his fool head off.  Again.  My dog is sitting quietly and patiently, ignoring him.  I get some turkey bacon.  I go to throw him a piece, but he won’t shut up!  So I give it to my dog.  Now he notices I have food.  He quiets down.

“Sit,” I yell.

He sits.  I throw him a piece of bacon.

He starts barking.

“Sit,” I yell.

He sits.  I throw him a piece of bacon.

Now he just looks at me expectantly.

“Sit,” I point my finger at him.

He sits.  I throw him a piece of bacon.

Ah…  now we are making progress.

The next day I walk out to my car.  He barks madly and throws himself into the fence.

I want to call him a stupid dog…. but maybe I’m the stupid one.  After all, I wouldn’t be that easily won over with turkey bacon either.

It would take at least a Starbuck’s White Peppermint Mocha and lunch at Chipotle!


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